It’s been a while. I haven’t felt like sharing. I take that back. I haven’t felt like revealing myself because I’ve been going through it… this life thing. But who hasn’t? We can go about our day and do everything seemingly right and still our worlds get turned upside down. I find it incredibly challenging to stay ‘up’ these days. I wish I could blame it on Covid, but it’s more about being a human in a world with other humans.
As much as we are all connected at some level, there is so much disconnect. Betrayal becomes something we become way too familiar with. The way our bodies betray us with age, our ‘friends’ betray us over time, our partners betray us with illness or impending death. The world is not a safe place on a regular basis. It’s complicated. We are complicated. The way we frame our world and the way it manifest itself is complicated. People are people at different levels of consciousness and not everyone will go deep or go big or go anywhere. Life is just messy for most people, some of the time. I am one of those people. But, I am not in denial. I am not suppressing my pain, I’m not ignoring my heart, holding back my tears, denying myself the depth of feeling that these past months have stirred up in me. Did I say months? I meant years. I am letting myself be me with all my ragged edges.
Life takes its toll while we are just riding the waves and trying to make sense of the cold, while longing for the warmth that comes with love. And sometimes… if we’re lucky… we’ll get a glimpse of our playful self again, something to remind us of warmer days when we were held – when we were innocent, joyful, carefree, light, open, trusting. Maybe, just maybe, the light will shine through long enough and strong enough to serve as a magnet… to pull us out of the darkness, away from the cold and into the arms of Mother Earth. Even if just for a moment. To feel safe. We need reminding that there is a light on the other side of darkness, that time heals wounds and that we aren’t supposed to be perfect. Life isn’t supposed to be perfect. So we may as well get good at navigating the not so perfect bits too.
Believe it our not, I am one of the happiest people I know. Going through a difficult human process and processing deep pain does not take away from the stand I take for my own happiness. It just makes me human. It is because I believe in happiness because I have felt pure joy and been touched by pure love that I can even write this. It’s the longing for a better day that keeps me going, the lift I get from connecting to the part of me that’s okay no matter what (even in sadness) and the view in my rearview mirror that is getting further and further away. The light has been here all along… I just have to go through the dark bits to get back to it.
Today is the first day of Spring. March 20, 2021.
Let the light shine in and remind me that I may just be one person, but we are many. My struggles are not just mine. Some days are better than others for every one of us.
I don’t know about you… but I’m bouncing back. I’m getting into action, not taking no for an answer, and picking up my Samurai sword to cut through bullshit. I’m sharpening my tongue, raising my antenna, listening for love, moving in the direction of my calling, and letting loose my genius. Lookout. I may have gone dark, but my light never stopped shining. And now I’m going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.